My Apple Pie!
by Leader of the Penguins
Summary: Golden butter pastry and liberal amounts of cinnamon. Chief Officer Wilde was looking forward to his slice of pie, so imagine his horror once he realised that a fellow colleague had stolen it? As the officers face Wilde's wrath, will the thief confess? Just a silly little story that was written on a rainy day, I know this wouldn't have happened in real life. I own nothing.


**My Apple Pie!**

"When I asked you earlier if you had seen that slice of apple pie, you told me you hadn't. Was it because you weren't looking at it while you were eating it, and now you cannot see it because it is currently making it's way down to your stomach?"

Sixth Officer James Moody squirmed slightly. He didn't appreciate being questioned so intensely by Chief Officer Wilde, it almost felt like a police interrogation.

"No, sir. I didn't eat it, I rather ... dislike apples. I find them too bland."

Wilde bore his eyes straight into Moody's, trying to crack him. Unfortunately for him, the junior officer was telling the truth. Trying not to look intimidated, Moody straightened his posture and attempted a look of confidence.

Beaten down, Wilde admitted, "Well, it seems you are telling the truth. My apologies Mr Moody."

Moody let out a sigh of relief as Wilde stormed out of the Mess Hall, punching the wall as he left. He sat back down and drank of sip of what was now cold tea. He pushed the beverage away from himself as First Officer William Murdoch sat down in front of him.

"What's wrong with Henry?" Murdoch asked, taking a bite out of a sandwich he had brought over with him.

"Someone ate his slice of apple pie," Moody answered, sighing once more out of sheer disbelief. "He's acting like it's criminal, but for God's sake Will, it's a piece of food!"

Nodding, and with a mouth full of sandwich, Murdoch got up with the intention of pouring tea for both himself and Moody, when Second Officer Lightoller appeared behind him and slipped a couple of ice cubes down Murdoch's back.

Stunned, Murdoch started choking on his food, to Moody's horror and Lightoller's amusement.

"Lights! He's choking on a sandwich!" Moody shouted, slapping Murdoch repeatedly between the shoulder blades whilst Lightoller laughed merrily.

Coughing up the sandwich chunk, Murdoch hit Lightoller over the head, knocking his hat to the ground. "You could've killed me!"

"Relax! You're fine anyway," Lightoller said casually, as he helped himself to a fruit scone. "By the way, Wilde's on the warpath."

"We know," Moody said, handing Murdoch a cup of tea. "He's already interrograted me."

"I heard that Harry's next," Lightoller said, spraying scone crumbs everywhere with each word. "Then you, Will."

Astounded, Murdoch spat out his tea. "I haven't been anywhere near his goddamn apple pie!"

The three officers sat around the table, with Murdoch and Moody protecting themselves from the sea of crumbs that were escaping Lightoller's mouth.

"Well, I'm off! Duty calls," Lightoller announced, wiping his hands and mouth before waving his colleagues goodbye.

Moody sat there in thought for a few minutes, before finally speaking. "Out of all of us, it was probably Lights who stole it."

Murdoch didn't share this theory. "Nah, he doesn't like pies. Pastry doesn't go down too well with him."

"Oh ..."

Smiling, Murdoch stretched out his arms and let out a huge yawn. "I'll tell you about the steak pie incident another time."

Chucking, Moody decided to go for a walk before he was due to start his next shift in a couple of hours. "You coming, Will?"

"I think I'll go for a nap instead, before Henry appears," Murdoch said, taking off his hat and heading off to his room.

Out on the bridge, the sea air felt good on the back of Moody's neck. He walked over to the railing and gazed at the endless blue ocean. The sun was high in the sky and not one cloud could be seen, it really was a beautiful day.

"You were eyeing up that pie the second it was put on that serving plate! And you normally go for seconds, so why wouldn't you help yourself to some pie? After all, it seemed like I didn't want any, that I would rather be on duty than eat that slice of pie with the butter pastry and the cinnamon and everything!"

Moody turned to his left and saw Fifth Officer Harold Lowe being backed into a corner by Wilde. A few of the crew were gathered around them, looking both amused and bewildered.

"I swear I didn't eat your slice!" Lowe insisted, cowering slightly.

"Oh, so it magically disappeared into your stomach then?" Wilde asked, bearing down on Lowe. "Why don't I check your belly button for pie crumbs then?"

Before Wilde could pull Lowe's shirt up, Moody had intervened. "For Heaven's sake, Henry! If Harry says he didn't eat it, then he didn't eat it!"

Looking at the two officers before him, Wilde composed himself, and walked away trying to maintain some dignity.

"Bloody hell!" Lowe gasped, frantically tucking his shirt back in. "I have half a mind to see the Captain about all this!"

"That'll probably cause more damage than it's worth. You okay?"

Straightening himself up, Lowe nodded. "I'm fine, thank you." Aware of the other crewmen watching them, he barked, "Don't you all have jobs to do?"

The crewmen left the scene, disgruntled and mouthing obsceneties to each other. It was just Lowe and Moody standing on the boat deck, in complete silence until Murdoch came barging past only a few moments later in a pair of tartan pajamas.

"Crazy pie-obssessed bastard!"

Watching their colleague move out of earshot, the two of them burst into fits of laughter.

Once the laughter had subsided, the two officers decided to wander below decks in the third class section of the ship, thinking they'd be safe from Wilde there. What they didn't realise, was that off-duty lookout Reginald Lee was also wandering around the third class. His face paled when he seen the two officers.

"Good afternoon Mr Lowe, Mr Moody!" Lee said brightly, trying to rid his face of the guilty look he's been sporting all day. "It's very ... bohemian down here, isn't it?"

Smiling, Lowe asked, "Mr Lee, why on earth are you down here?"

Not one to be taken lightly, Lee retorted back with, "Well, what are YOU doing down here?"

"You haven't heard? Wilde's gone mad," Moody replied plainly, watching a Norwegian family try and navigate the halls. He smiled at their eldest daughter, a pretty blonde, before reminding himself that he was an officer and was expected to display some form of decorum.

"Really?" Lee's guilty expression returned. "It's just a slice of pie."

"You took it?" Lowe looked shocked. "How did you manage that?"

"Mr Lightoller got it for me. He was fed up with me complaining about being hungry so he gave me it, said he was going to throw it overboard to the fish anyway ..."

"Bloody Lightoller!" Moody threw his arms up in the air in anger. "It's always him!"

"Um, what Mr Moody means is, I think, that it is Mr Lightoller who will get the blame, and not, you know, yourself." Lowe reasoned, ignoring his colleague's rather dramatic reaction.

Lee didn't look convinced. "But I ate it, not Mr Lightoller."

"And had the fish ate it, it still would have been Mr Lightoller's fault. I hardly think Mr Wilde would have jumped overboard with a knife and gutted those fish."

"He probably would gut Lights," Moody added with a smirk. "That might be fun to watch!"

"Seek help James," Lowe said matter-of-factly. "Come back up with us, everything will be alright, I promise."

Nodding, Lee accompanied the officers back upstairs to the bridge, where Wilde had rounded on Third Officer Herbert Pitman and Fourth Officer Joseph Boxhall.

"One of you are going to tell me right now the exact location of that pie! Whether it be in your room, your stomach, or sitting at the bottom of the toilet!"

"Sir, that's disgusting!" Boxhall looked positively horrified. "Surely, you're not going to check ... there, are you?"

Wilde took a deep breath, and continued with his ranting, "That was MY pie! Someone - no, wait - one of you took my property! It is theft! And I was damn well looking forward to that pie!"

"It was a good pie though," Pitman interrupted, with Boxhall nodding in agreement. "Crumbly, butter pastry. Good amount of real apples too. And the cinnamon!"

"Enough! Who ate it? You will answer me or I will see to it that you do not eat another bite until the thief amongst you confesses!"

"Mr Wilde," Moody began. "I have it on good knowledge that it was infact, Mr Lightoller that stole the pie, with the intention of feeding the fish."

"What knowledge?" Wilde rounded on Moody with a crazed look in his eyes.

Panicked, Moody thrust Lee forward towards Wilde, who stammered, "I-I-I ate it! B-But Mr Lightoller had a-already s-s-s-stolen it!"

Wilde was furious. His face had turned a violent shade of red, and he placed his hands on his hips and leaned towards Lee, who was now cowering behind his arms, begging for mercy.

"That Charles Lightoller is going to get his arse severely kicked!" Wilde pushed past Lee, and thundered down the the Mess Hall, with the other officers following behind.

Lightoller was sharing a joke with Murdoch when Wilde stormed in. Both officers went pale, with Murdoch ducking under the table, having already had to face Wilde's temper today. He clutched his pajamas tightly, as he watched Wilde's footsteps close in on the table.

"FEED MY PIE TO THE FISH, WILL YOU?" Wilde bellowed, pounding a fist onto the table.

Lightoller leapt up in fear, arming himself with a teapot. "I didn't eat it though, Henry."

Slamming his other fist on to the table, Wilde yelled, "You still took it! It wasn't yours to give away!"

Lightoller decided the best thing to do was to throw a jug of milk over Wilde. It just made him madder. Moody pulled Murdoch out from under the table as Wilde made his way over to Lightoller.

"Bend over!" Wilde's order was met with muffled laughter from near the doorway. He glared at his colleagues, giving Lightoller enough time to disappear down another corridor.

"Shit!" Wilde said loudly to himself, as he trying to remain composed, although, with milk dripping down his uniform, it was rather hard.

Pulling up his sleeves, Wilde tore down the corridor that Lightoller had disappeared down.

Stunned, the other officers and Lee slowly made their way over to the corridor, but couldn't see anything. They could only hear random growling, and the muffled footsteps of two people running at great speed. It was almost like a horror movie.

"Tea, then?" Murdoch offered.

"Lights has the tea pot though," Pitman remarked with some disappointment. "And he threw our milk away."

"He's very wasteful, isn't he?" Lowe added, listening to the footsteps grow fainter.

Aside from a few quiet growls, and the sound of metal objects being thrown about it, there was complete silence.

"I'm going back to the bridge," Boxhall announced. "Can't have the captain walk out to find that it's just Hitchens there."

There was silence again after Boxhall's departure.

"Ow! You dirty motherfu-"

"THAT is what you get for stealing MY pie!"

Wilde charged out of one of the rooms, with the officers quickly parting to let him through. Murdoch was the first officer to step into the corridor, followed by Moody.

"Lights? What happened?" Moody called out, following Murdoch into the same room that Wilde had left only minutes ago.

Both men couldn't contain their laughter at the sight. Neither could Lee or the other officers, of which Pitman was doubled up in laughter.

"See instead of laughing, you could help!" Lightoller exclaimed, trying to free his head from the gap in between the wall and the large piping in the room.

Using a small broom, Lee thought it would be funny to poke Lightoller in the backside with it.

"Ow! My arse is already sore enough!" Lightoller cried, eventually freeing himself, and falling back onto the floor, smacking the back of his head against a chest of drawers.

While everyone left the room, howling with laughter, Moody took pity on Lightoller and helped him back to his room.

"So, Lights? Lesson learned?" Moody asked cheerily once he had helped Lightoller lie down on his bed.

Grimacing in pain, Lightoller nodded. "Lesson learned ... Bastard ..."


End file.
